Some actors are just so good that we can forgive them their little peccadillos – let’s face it, George Clooney is a top bloke, but not all of his films are great, and not all the roles he casts himself in are well-advised. And Johnny Depp – for every Donnie Brasco (1997) there is a Secret Window (2004) (come on – I love JD, but this one was crap). Here, then, Picturenose celebrates the fact that our favourite actors can be as screwed up as the rest of us when a large amount of cash is waved in their direction.
Without further ado, the list:
1. Sean Connery in Highlander (1986). If it wasn’t bad enough that Christopher Lambert was made to act een Eenglish (or should that be Scotteesh?), our Sean, a proper Scot, was for some inexplicable reason made out to be a nobleman of Spanish descent – one Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. A Frenchman playing an undying Scot, and a Scot playing an undying Spaniard. Whoever thought that was going to work? The worst thing about it is that I enjoyed it. “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father…” – oh no, sorry – wrong film.
2. Kevin Costner in Waterworld (1995). Oh dear. What a load of rubbish that film was. Quite apart from completely wasting the talent of Dennis Hopper, the film and the cast had all the depth of a Death Valley rain gauge. Supposedly an environmental ‘message’ movie, it portrays ‘The Smokers’ as the bad guys. Oooh, scary – what are they going to do – wheeze at you? I know this is not all Kev’s fault, but didn’t he read the script before taking the cheque? Seriously awful.
3. Angelina Jolie in Alexander (2004). Among the mish-mash of miscastings and terrible accents, you’d think it would be tricky to point the finger at the absolute worst. Colin Farrell? Not even close. This movie really polarized opinion – those who hated it, and the other two. What the hell was a director of such moment as Stone thinking? I don’t claim to be an expert on early Macedonian accents (or those of the various itinerant peoples who milled around at the time), but I would bet my house that it wasn’t that of a Russian gypsy gargling with grapes. Angelina, stick to pouty and cute. Thanks.
4. George Clooney in Batman and Robin (1997). This film should have been the best film ever made: Clooney, Alicia Silverstone (OK, eye candy, but hey), Uma Thurman, – how much more do you need? Well, a believable plot, someone to script properly, something, dear God, something to make it less awful than it was. Arnie was there, but as effective as an ashtray on a hang-glider. George, you see, takes the King’s Shilling every so often to finance his better movies (of which there are many). I know he was only taking the money on this one, but Jesus Christ – give us Batman fans a break, will you? Truly awful in so many ways I could easily run out of space.
5. Sandra Bullock in Anything At All (not likely to improve, to be honest). Come on – what has she ever done that’s worthy of more than “Meh, that was OK”? Please don’t say Speed (1994) – because between you and me, that was pretty bad. OK, not world-ending sort of bad, but a really good story opportunity spoiled somewhat by being rubbish. As standard cinema fare, I would sit through it again, but don’t try to convince me it’s the greatest movie ever made. A solid, escapist bit of fun, yes – but that’s it. Sandra brought about as much to the film as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking party.