In part four of the Twilight saga we learn something about vampire procreation, Edward’s lack of paternal instinct and wolf talk, and we pay a high price for the little information that we get.
Following Harry Potter‘s example, the producers of the second-most famous teen saga decided to split the finale and present only half of the story to audiences this autumn, the story being that of 18-year-old Bella (Kristen Stewart) finally getting married to the teenage (ish) vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson). In spite of all the disapproval expressed by Bella’s father’s and her ex wolf-boyfriend, Jacob (Taylor Lautner), Bella decides to tie the knot and performs, in one of the first scenes, what may be the most ungraceful walk up the aisle.
And the most unhappy, too – by now, we are used to Kristen’s sulking, sighing, constant lip-biting and teeth clenching, but my God, could she not lighten up a bit, at least for her wedding? I guess that what director Bill Condon wanted to show us is how deeply complicated and unsettling is the poor girl’s situation – she is, after all, about to marry a vampire and possibly be turned into one at some point too.
And good thing that he informed us; otherwise the oversimplified (to say the least) dialogue really wouldn’t tell us much about her thoughts. Coming back to the plot, the wedding day is followed by an equally ungraceful take on the wedding night (which, however, does take place in Brazil, which is pretty cool). Soon after that, Bella finds out that she is pregnant. The news comes as a great surprise to the whole vampire clan , and is not welcomed by anyone but the teenage mom, who is soon forced to face the real torture of a human-vampire pregnancy. Living in Bella’s belly, the new Rosemary’s Baby is eating her mom alive. Literally. After a very gruesome birth scene we find out, however, that the little devil is a healthy, pretty baby girl. So pretty, in fact, that the werewolf Jacob falls in love with her (how weird?) and imprints on her a bond to keep them together until the end of their days. Yes, werewolves can imprint a sexual bond on newborn babies, in case you didn’t know.
There is a little bit of werewolf drama as a background story, with a lot of barking going on, but nothing to be too concerned about. Jacob is fighting to be a leader of a pack and ends up as a defender of Bella’s new family against his own bretheren – a change of director (David Slade has directed the saga’s previous epsiodes) has not helped the movie to any great extent; in fact, it hasn’t helped at all. The dialogue is still limited, the actors still wooden, the plot’s as silly as always and the whole thing about as emotionless as it gets. Fair play to the make-up artists though, who were supposed to make Kristen look miserable and half-dead, and have succeeded well.
The only passably pleasant moment, seriously, is a short sequence with Edward’s reminiscences of the ‘old times’, in a black-and-white homage to the Bride of Frankenstein (1935). Apart from that, with the two main strong suits noticeably absent (Edward doesn’t sparkle and Jacob doesn’t run around shirtless), the film has very little to offer.