…no, really.

Well, it’s been a while since I posted a news update. The reason (other than my inherent laziness) is that nothing of any great moment has happened in the movie world, as far as I could tell. Until now, that is…

Yes, James got his pants in a knot about Swedish vampires and a new Transformers movie was released. Ooh.  Apart from that, pretty much business as usual (disclaimer: my other major weakness is overuse of sarcasm, before you decide to point out how wrong I am).  Luckily, I am the bearer of glad tidings, as word reaches me of two new white-hot movie projects guaranteed to increase the sales of popcorn and over-iced cola the world over. First up, I give you:

Asteroids: The Movie. For the uninitiated, back in the dark ages (circa 1979-80) there was a video game called Asteroids, in which a small white triangle shot little white dots at badly drawn rock-shaped things (the titular asteroids), making a now-legendary “pew-pew-pew” noise. It was as much fun as it sounds, I can tell you.  Those of you wanting to experience (or re-live) the joy can do so here. Quite how a movie will be made out of something so utterly banal is a mystery to this film fan. I suppose the involvement of producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura (Transformers (2007) and Transformers: Rise of the Fallen (2009)) should give us the clue that this is no upcoming Best Picture nomination. I have a pitch for Universal who, according to this story, won “a four-studio bidding war” for the rights to this: Tom Cruise in Manic Miner: The Lost Keys. Anyone? Anyone?

Hot on the heels of something which, in my opinion, should never be made comes:

Facebook: The Movie. Yep, I couldn’t believe it either. I instantly changed my status from “understanding the world” to “it’s complicated”. If this leaked script is to be believed, Facebook:The Movie (or For the Love of Sweet Jesus, Why?, as this site will now be calling it) could be hitting our screens in the not-too-distant future. Perhaps the worst news of all are the frankly worrying reports that none other than David Fincher (Seven (1995), Fight Club (1999), The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)) is set to be at the helm. I suppose the only consolation is that if anyone could make a hit film out of such a tedious subject, it’d be him. If only Facebook had a ‘Hate’ button too.

I’m going to need to lighten the mood after such trauma. The thing is, I need to keep focused and think ‘movie related’. I know, here’s an advert featuring Wonder Woman, Batgirl and Catwoman. Foxy laydeez, every one. Apparently, it’s a Mexican advert for a department or fashion store. Frankly, I neither know nor care – they could be selling a kitten-strangling machine and I’d probably want one. All good stuff. Or, as they say in Spanish: Mi aerodeslizador está lleno de anguilas…