Picturenose

Oh yes…
I’d like to say you heard it here first, but it’s all over the bloody internet by now. On the back of her ‘controversial’ three-way sex romp with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz in the new Woody Allen potential yawn-fest Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008), scarlettjohansson.com has made the official offer of a threesome of your very own with the eponymous young lady.

Scarlett, or ‘ScarJo’ as she is being called by the young and hard-of-vocab these days, makes you an offer you can’t refuse - unless you’re not into the whole three-in-a-bed-underpants-charleston-with-famous-actress thing. It may just be intuition, but I guess this is a complete spoof, and that someone will soon be hearing from Ms Johansson’s legal team - or a tasty piece of viral marketing. The phrase “unbelievably darn lucky bastard winner” first aroused my suspicions that this site may not be endorsed by the girl herself. Of course, if you fancy a gamble, it’s like the lottery - you gotta be in it to win it. One last thing - Picturenose does not recommend you apply for this ‘position’, however tempting it may be. The scene in the movie is apparently implied rather than explicit, as I suspect this ‘offer’ is. You’re probably better off staying in and renting one of Jenna Jameson’s earlier works.

Oh no…

Regular readers will know what we here at Picturenose think of the current trend for remaking every film ever made, and my thoughts in particular (Klaatu Barada Remake Nikto!, There Will Be Dude), but I think I’ve finally found the film that should never be remade. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) is apparently being remade by an even more horrific coupling than Brad and Janet - Fox and British Sky Broadcasting. According to the deal, Sky will premiere the film in October 2009 on its tawdry, lowest-common-denominator Sky Movies channel, and it will then be available for their video-on-demand service. If there was ever a way to bring a 30-odd-year-old movie to a modern audience, this wasn’t it. There is no news on who has drawn the short straw and will direct or ’star’ in it, but they all seem mighty pleased it’s going to happen. I’m not normally one to use hip and trendy internet-speak, but the phrases ‘WTF’ and ‘FFS’ seem surprisingly apt here.

Oh lordy…

I think the UK Daily Telegraph may have been a little short of comumn inches recently. They published a (non) story regarding future casting for the alleged Tarantino remake of Russ Meyer’s classic Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965). Following on from her shocking, outrageous (yawn) girl-on-girl kiss with Madge on the MTV awards what seems like a hundred years ago, and her very public inability to cope with anything, Britney Spears is being touted by ‘a source’ (hmm) as the prospective lead role, Varla. Quoted by some other spurious source:

‘Quentin is convinced Britney will be brilliant. She’s delighted. She thinks it could turn her career around.’

‘It is perfect Tarantino material. He wanted to get Britney first. She’s playing the most important character.’

Meanwhile, both Spears’ and QT’s people have both said this is complete bollocks. According to other sources (funny how nobody wants to go on record) QT himself would prefer porn actress Tera Patrick, as she looks, well, more Asian, like the original Varla, Tura Satana. She apparently, is ‘thrilled’ as well. Confused? You will be…